Just Under the Radar

I'm a safe person. I'm sort of average and not overly excitable.  I don't mean that in a self deprecating way.  It's just the truth. I'm not any more or less interesting than anyone else I know.  I like to cross the street at the cross walks and I'm usually in bed by 10:30.  I like to fit within the rules, for the most part, when the rules work for me.

It has most recently come to my attention, in a most subtle way, that most of my safety guidelines for life are forcing me to mostly settle. For the first time i believe it.  I notice the things I think that protect me from putting myself 'out there'.... wherever 'there' is....

I've been living just under the radar. Excelling enough to creep by without anyone thinking I'm a slacker. But every time I muster up my courage and say in my loudest inside voice: I'm doing my own thing.  I'm giong to take more action!, I end up bumping the top of my head against self enforced ceiling. Then slowly I sink back down into mediocre.  I'm just below getting noticed, below taking a real chance, below risking.  It's a safety thing.  It's self protection.

If I only half put myself out there, I will only half get hurt.  If anyone challenges me or criticizes me, I always have security blanket of thoughts that tell me that I wasn't ever fully invested anyway.

Years from now, when I look back over my life, I'm not sure I'll be okay if this is all I did... if this is all I contributed.  Right now my contribution feels like a cold puddle of discontentment that I keep jumping into.

And so today is the first day that I've realized that I've been living under the radar. Quietly and safely.

Any advice for non under radar living is appreciated.


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