Ticking Time Bomb

Today is the day that Doctors guessed Amelia would arrive.  It's 2:03pm and she still hasn't made her appearance to the world. It's at this point that I'm starting to feel like a ticking time bomb. 

For anyone who has ever waited quietly for your life to change, you understand the spectrum of wild thoughts that come with that. Feeling reflective I decided to write a few of the things I've learned from a season of my body taking on the momentous task of growing a person.

Sometimes the plot you imagine isn't the one you get.  

That's how the past nine months have been- not what I imagined. I'm due with a daughter any day now and this entire pregnancy isn't the story I thought I would get.  I'm not complaining. At all.  I'm grateful for this season whatever it has brought and will bring.  I didn't think we would have a difficult time getting pregnant, I didn't think I would be worried about my daughter's health to this extent, I didn't think I would wonder if she would be able to breathe when she's born, or if her heart would work.  And I didn't think I would experience a such a closeness to God.

My mind powers don't have control over my body. 

I thought I would be able to think my way into labor.  I decided at Easter that we would have an Easter baby.  I prepared like she would come on the day I decided.  I was wrong.  Ten days post my made-up due date and I'm just settling into the idea of trusting my body...the cosmos...God...because I'm now at the mercy of mother nature's timing.  Insert Mr. Miyagi from Karate Kid saying to me: Patience, young grasshopper.

Being pregnant actually slows you down.

I thought I'd be able to do everything I used to do only I'd just be bigger.  I was wrong. My body has slowed down to turtle speed and I have to respect it's pace.  I have never ever loved watching television so much in my life! 

This is real life.

This isn't a drill.  This is actually our daughter, who we care about.  The world got scarier when we learned that our sweet girl had a mass in her chest and she was later diagnosed with a CCAM in her lower left lung lobe.  I remember sitting in the car next to Brandon on that sunless gray November day.  We were both frozen in place- not from the weather but from not knowing how to move forward.  My eyes puffed up from a helpless rhythm of crying, wiping with old Starbucks napkins left in the car console, and then smearing my mascara from my cheeks. We have entered the scary realities of what it means to be a parent and worry about your child.

I'm beautiful. 

My body has taken on new curves and shapes.  I like the way it looks.  It's like a new strange planet that I inhabit everyday.  I'm still not used to my over-sized belly or my puffy ankles but they've taken on interesting shapes that seem endearing and likable.  Like a Picasso painting with out-of-proportion features, I sometimes stare at my belly in unbelief: our baby is in there.

I'm vulnerable. 

I have come to realize (what feels to me like) irrational fears.  My fears are as follows: I have become very scared of getting hit by a car when I'm crossing the street, getting hit by a car while I'm in a car, and finally, falling down the stairs and landing in an a tangled mess, reaching down and feeling a hand coming out of me and not realizing I'm giving birth.  Not being physically 100% has left me with a brain full of worry scenarios.  It's strange.  I've also become clingy to Brandon.  And I want to be home a lot.

I see Brandon differently.

This has been a happy time for Brandon and I.  We have seen each other in new ways- and loved each other in a new light.  I’m seeing sides of him for the first time and I never realized they were there.  I look at him and realize his eyes are a different shade of blue, and his thoughts are deeper, and his heart is tender.  He's stronger.  I never saw those things at such proximity before. I know they've always been there but they look different now. 

Flexibility is over-rated.

Putting on socks has become a daily struggle.  I cant lean over. My belly blocks me out from reaching my feet.  Leaning over the sink to wash my face in the evenings has started to feel like a Pilates move.  I need to use momentum to climb out of bed.  And pull-through spots when driving are literally life-savers so I don't have to turn around to check my blind spots when backing out.

I've joined society as a contributor. 

When I am out in the public I realize that I'm now a contributor to society.  I'm making a person.  During my pre-pregnancy days, I was a recipient of childbirth.  But now, I'm actually joining a larger part of humanity by being a part of this process.

I have no plans. 

A quiet waiting season for the past week has been overwhelmingly good- and intensely scary.  As I was doing random projects around the house preparing for baby, I realized: I have no plans for the rest of my life.  I don't know how my job will change, we don't have any vacations planned, and I don't even have meetings set up.  My calendar for the rest of my life is wide open. Weird.

Hobbies saved my soul. 

I've been coming down from a season where work was my hobby.  It was all I thought about, dreamed about, and obsessed about. I'm grateful for the past year when I've had to invest energy in discovering, 'what do I like to do?' During these past 40 weeks, I've found myself leaning into baking, listening to music, writing, walking, reading, and taking photos (...just to name a few) like never before.  I've needed something to 'do' while my inside world didn't quite feel like me. 


Life is sweet.  And weird.  But it's been good.  Thanks for reading about some of what I've learned over the past months.  More to come once Amelia is born! 

Woot!


2 comments:

@mjdelprincipe | April 16, 2015 at 2:02 PM

I love this post, and I love all the stuff you have learned. I love that you can now understand how, 29 years after his birth, I still worry about my son all the time. But I also know that you will learn from your fears and come out even stronger. Then I will learn from you. You're an amazing woman, about to be an amazing mom, even if it isn't on your timetable. Can't wait to meet Amelia. <3
EmJay

Hanna | April 17, 2015 at 5:28 AM

@mjdelprincipe Thank you for being so supportive!!! I'm so excited to meet this little girl too!

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