Faint of Heart

Faint of Heart

After 3 days the tube was removed from Amelia's chest.  I anticipated hard and hard is what Brandon and I got.  Watching our 3 month old baby cry in pain from surgery, gaze around the room a little high on morphine, and squirm in a hospital bed unable to be held was hard hard.  When the tube was finally removed I picked up my baby and she leaned into my shoulder.  The weight of her body settled into mine and I knew I was holding my puzzle piece.  Two different shapes that fit together.

Four weeks post surgery and Amelia is doing awesome.  I'm grateful. We have a healthy little baby who is growing right before our eyes! 

And now the real rhythm of life sets in. The train of visitors has left, the dinners from neighbors have run out, and the anxiety from knowing our baby needs surgery has come and gone.  So Brandon, Amelia and I are here learning how to be a family of three.

Yesterday marked 11 (perfect parallel prime number) years of marriage for Brandon and I.  We've had more than a decade to work through junk and learn how to be together.  We've been to the counseling sessions and talked about our family of origin stuff but now with the introduction of Amelia, it's like we've taken a turn (at least I have).  Our high school immature selves have made a special appearance during some of our not so proudest arguing moments. The mean insecure Hanna shuts down, throws her armor up, and pushes Brandon away.  I'm a real joy to be around.  But here's what is really going on (I think): I'm scared that I don't know how to be a wife and a mother at the same time.  I don't know how to work some, clean some, cook some, be a wife some, be a mother some, and then find time to exercise and take care of me some.  I don't know how to advocate for my own time all that well.  With every free minute I scroll through the long list of things to get done and am constantly prioritizing. What needs done first? What needs done now? If something doesn't get done, will I pay for it later? And then when I get tired I point my questions towards Brandon- why inst he doing more?  Why doesn't he use his time better?  Why am I the only one who keeps things going?  Did I mention how great I am to be around when I'm like this?!  It's a real party over here.

And if that's not good enough, I start thinking of Amelia.  And one of the scariest things is that somewhere along the line Brandon and I will inflict our family of origin stuff on Amelia. And then somewhere along the line we'll hope and pray that she has enough positive tools to help pull her out of any junk we throw on her. 

I don't remember hearing my friends with kids talk about this stuff- maybe because it's so deeply personal that people don't usually share it.  Or maybe I'm having an abnormally hard time learning.  In either instance Brandon and I have to learn how to be with each other while still being with a baby.  We have to learn how to still love each other well when we're over tired, lacking confidence, and out of sync. We've had to get better at apologizing quicker.  And sometimes we've had to enter into a restart agreement where we just retry to have the conversation again, only be kinder to each other.  Being married isn't for the faint of heart...But neither is having a kid.