I Chose Sad

I'm writing tonight about something that has been on my mind for quite some time. I've considered writing about it but never had the energy to put it into something comprehendible.

For the past 7 years, I've been involved in student ministry in some capacity. My involvement in the ministry stems largely from the value that I have for 'building into the next generation.' I used to work for someone who said, children are not the future, they are the now. I believe it. I believe it for each high school student I have ever met. And I don't just mean the popular kids, I mean the unique ones too.

Years ago I met a incredible, honest, and constantly searching student. At 18, her parents grew tired of her searching so they decided it would be best if she moved out. She found her way to downtown to live at the YWCA. I loved our somewhat weekly meetings (even though I was often emotionally drained after our conversations). She struggled but she kept searching. Sometimes I would bring food and take her out to eat, other times we would just meet and talk. As she shared about each new (unhealthy) relationship she was in, the spiral downward began to take shape, which left her broken. (We're all broken, but I mean she was truly fighting a dark brokenness.)

Eventually her cell phone was turned off, she moved, and stopped calling me. The cut off communication would sometimes jump start again and I would receive the random text reaching out. We would meet and talk though some of the 'stuff' but then weeks and months would go by with no word.

Then, I moved to Chicago and about a year after I moved away I received a call. She committed suicide. I honestly don't know what to do with that. I really don't.

I'm deeply saddened. Sometimes I'll be walking down the hall and her name will come to mind. I'll think of her and think of the brokenness, of our talks, and of her searching. Psychologists say that most feelings fit into one of the following main emotions: Sad, Angry, Scared, Happy, Excited, Tender. For me this one is an overwhelming sad.

Strictly sad. I'm sad that I wasn't able to change the outcome of her life. I'm sad that she choose the most permanent way out of her pain. I'm sad that she choose this option rather than getting help.

I pray that God will use you and me to build into the next generation of student- that you'll be a light for someone who needs it and that you won't back down from reaching out. That is all for tonight.


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