Green Means Go

He was driving 10 miles per hour over the speed limit.  Enough to make you nervous riding in the backseat of a minivan piloted by an aging driver with bad sight.  At each intersection with a traffic  light his wife would call out the color.  "Green." The weight of the car begin to accelerate again.  As he approached each light, you could feel the car coast as he waited for the signal from his co-pilot.  "Red," and the car found it's way to zero mph.

Initially this story of a family friend induced eye rolling and I wondered how it's possible that there are so few car accidents.

But once I got past my initial scoffing,  I envied the system they created.  Although it's not ideal for driving, I would love to find myself listening to the red, yellow, green directions for my life decisions.  I want someone telling me when to go, when to slow down, and when to just stop.  

It would take the pressure off of my is this the right thing thoughts.  It would give me the freedom to live without wondering if I 'should' have done something different.  Is that how religion is supposed to be?  Is religion the kind of thing that gives you hints along the way--like when you get to major intersections, you just need to take your foot off the gas and listen?  

Or maybe, probably, life is more about grays.  And maybe red looks more like orange sometimes... and you find yourself guessing.  You find yourself guessing and thinking things like: this place looks strange.  

When I look around there are times that  I feel like a stranger.  Like maybe I guessed wrong or took a turn somewhere when I need to go straight.  Trusting the path that you're on is so hard.  And I want to wish harder than the path that I will get clarity.  I wish so hard that my clenched fists turn my knuckles white, and I have tiny fingernail marks on the fleshy part of my palms, and my face scrunches up like a up like a wad of crumbly tissue paper.  

The wishing doesn't work. 

In my moments of needing control, I take deep breaths and remind myself I'm loved. And there are other moments (only a few) of clarity when I know the path I'm on is okay.  And for anyone who isn't sure about their path, inch it.  Take one tiny inch at a time and between inches- I recommend nice self talk and deep breaths. 


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