Junk Drawer of Feelings

Big puffy clouds and I just want to fade away.

Not fade away in a morbid sense but fade away in the numb sense.  Fade away in the sense that I want to freeze time while I get my thoughts and feelings together.  Together like a neatly organized drawer of manilla envelopes with perfectly even labels on each tab.  Open the drawer and deep breath of calm from seeing each folder perfectly fitted into it's place.

While manilla folders provide dreams of organizational bliss, I lack any kind of organization for my 'inside' feelings.  Instead they're shoved unwillingly into the overflowing junk drawer I keep locked up and camouflaged.  I have a bucket of feelings with nowhere to dump them.

It's easy and obvious to blame family patterns but even that seems like the cheap way out for me.  (I prob need to clarify- I'm not discounting anyone who has unhealthy family patterns and needs someone to blame.  That's just not me at this point in time.)

Me at this point in time is:
I have feelings.
I know they are alive and well because my junk drawer of feelings overfloweth.
I'm frustrated with not being able to change things quickly.
That leads to more feelings.
Talk is cheap.  (That just seemed like a good thing to say here... )
I'm still trying to scoop out the 31 years of backlogged feelings.
More feelings... feels.... crushing.

Anyone who has been through (good) counseling would know- this crushing feeling is called the 'tunnel of chaos'.  I endearingly refer to it as the "tunnel of pain".  I have these new insights and feelings from the tunnel of pain. But instead of having any kind of skill to cope with it all, I'm just clunky.  I'm like a big puppy dog who hasn't yet grown into her feet and is all muddy flopping around in a small apartment.  I'm contained for the most part but I keep running into things and causing unintended stains.

So in the meantime, anyone who is operating from the tunnel of pain: I send you a gigantic shout out of grace.  Do something everyday that fills you!

(In case you need any ideas- I painted my nails in a sea foam green color.  Apparently a junk drawer of feelings is the color of sea foam.)


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