Below Average and Crooked

As I listened to the hurried nurses whisper between patients, I began to wonder if this whole thing was a waste of time.  After being called back to the 'vitals station' the nurse weighed me, took my blood pressure, and asked about the pain. Again.

Making small talk with the nurse was easy. I watched the bejeweled ID lanyard lay neatly on top of her powder blue scrubs and wondered how powder blue ended up as the standard color for hospital wear.  It must be a very soothing color.  So is taupe.

The nurse ushered me back into my room to wait for the doctor and as she closed the door she left me with 'hope you brought something to do or maybe you can meditate'.  I chose mediation. But not really, I just sat there and looked at the sort of wannabe Thomas Kinkade tree landscape picture hanging crooked on the wall.

And that's how I felt, crooked and below average.  The pain started 4 years ago and after doctors visits, tests and everything coming back normal, I was told that it's probably stress and I should just live with the pain.

What happens when you can't seem to find a solution on your own and the experts think you're making it up?  What happens when you experience life altering pain and there's no relief, no sign of let up, no real answer?

The doctor entered.  He was tall and his pants were short.  When he sat down his yellow socks caught my eye with the color that God made (probably to be used only) for baby chicks.  I wanted the doctor visit to end.  Which it did shortly after that wish- after no conclusion of the cause of pain, he gave me a 'good luck' as I walked out the door.  Turd.

Some days you just feel like a below average crooked turd.  I know there are kids starving and the world holds so many more issues than my random side pain. I know that I have a lot of good in my life and I know God loves me but this week hurts.  And I don't like not being able to fix things and I don't like not being in control of how my body feels. How do you find freedom when you feel like the dry dirt under you is slipping you into a deeper ditch?  I don't know how to get unstuck right now.  Maybe admitting I have a control problem is the first step....  :)


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