Energy Came & Went- And I'm Still Okay

Staring at the pile of folded clothes crammed tightly into the laundry basket, I wondered what I should wear today.  Although the clothes were shoved into the basket like a tangled cotton octopus, I could still make out heels of socks and elbows of shirts that were trying to sneak their way to the edges- for they are claustrophobic.  I think.

I didn't anticipate my first real day after leaving my job to be so gray.  The light coming in from the windows didn't even have enough glow to make shadows.  It was just plain and cold.  Winter days in April are difficult, even when you know what to wear.

When was the last time you were emotionally released from a role?

“I have the very strong belief that we are called to do what we do, and when we’re called, we’re given energy.  And when we’re no longer called, we will not have the energy.” –Frances Hesselbein, Founder of Girl Scouts

Deep down I wanted leaving my job to be more difficult. I felt as if normal functioning adults would begin to second-guess the choice I made to leave one job and exchange it for unlimited free time.  No job lined up.  But the thought about second-guessing my decision was fleeting.

When I finally quieted the murmuring to-to list vying for my attention, I discovered leaving was simple.  I lost energy.  After weeks of going through the imperfections that plagued my organization, finding ways to blame my leaders, and going over the what’s wrong with me thought process, my conclusion was unemotional and realistic. I was (am) okay, my leaders were (are) okay, and the organization was (is) okay. I simply lost energy.

When people leave an organization, often the focus is on the why a person looses energy.  And there’s value in talking through the root triggers of energy loss.  But what’s more important, at least in my case, is that I lost energy.

I’m untethered and free. While freedom can be liberating, it can also be the root of chaos.  Questions about identity, and role, and purpose all swirl up into one gigantic realization: I have time to think about this stuff.  And this is bigger than my inability to decide what to wear on a non-work day.  This is about working through fundamental questions about how to spend my time, who to invest my energy in, and where to live. The trifecta.

I'll be spending my next days and weeks with thoughts about my purpose. Encouragement and advice always welcome :)


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